Insomnia Strikes, Part 1

I have failed to bring myself to sleep tonight. Perhaps I shall fairly soon after this post, or perhaps I will be awake for another couple of hours. I can't see Center City right now from my window. Philadelphia is shrouded in fog tonight. Even Huntsman Hall, just a block away, looks a little bit hazy and mysterious. It's an empty, lonely, lifeless building. I will never understand how these hardcore Whartonites can come to embrace such a building, such a culture, such a life. It's a sad and empty world out there only if you make it so. If life has taught me anything, it's that nothing can overcome human will. If God himself were to oppose mankind one day, I would like to think humanity would survive. That is the power of the human spirit. Holocaust survivors smile with a pure heart, without hatred for Nazis or anyone. They are filled with love, not sadness, madness, or anger. How beautiful is that?

The fog is growing thicker as the dawn approaches. Perhaps Huntsman Hall will disappear by morning. Life is incredibly mutable, people. It can be everything you want it to be, if you want it to be so. And it can be everything you don't want it to be, if that's what you turn it into. You just have to decide if you want what you want or not.

The little things make me happy. A sunny day. A good song. Finding treasure in trash. Fire flies. Just sitting around with friends. The shade from a nice tree. An ice cold Coca-Cola on a hot afternoon. Weekends. Taking pictures of things. Jesse Bear, my 15 year old teddy bear. Clean socks. Naps. Walking. Breathing. Shrimp pizza.

But do they add up to overcome the big things that make me sad?

Do I have an original thought in my head? My bald head. Maybe if I were happier my hair wouldn't be falling out. Life is short. I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I'm a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. A bump. The dentist called again. I'm way overdue. If I stop putting things off I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass. If my ass wasn't fat I would be happier. I wouldn't have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time. Like that's fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day. Really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing. I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to fall in love. I need to have a girlfriend. I need to read more and prove myself. What if I learned Russian or something, or took up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I'd be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short. Stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that. Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don't have to be attractive. But that's not true. Especially these days. Almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel I have to apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that's what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry. All my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help for that. But I'll still be ugly though. Nothing's going to change that.

--Charlie Kaufman