First Page

The first page of my screenplay went under the gun today, and it wasn't very pretty. My attempt at making an interesting credit sequence was killed (I need to curb my tendency to direct from the page). People just weren't into it, because there was too much description, I guess. I didn't realize that I repeat myself so much when I write, that I write so many redundant phrases: "stare unblinkingly"; "legs tucked in the fetal position"; "dangles loosely"; etc. Being precise and economic with my words will be a big challenge, I think.